Have you ever had a day where you feel like Michael Corleone in The Godfather rolling off that line? Certainly, it goes without saying that most of us don’t have days like Michael does when he says that line, and his meaning is completely different than how most of us use it, but I’ve always liked the saying when I had a productive day. The catch here is my literal day of productivity was more like a few months – some of you may have noticed I’ve gone dark the past few months. No blog posts, limited tweets. You might say I took some time out of my schedule to reconcile some things I’d been thinking about.
First and foremost, you might remember the flowery post I made a few months ago with how I was ready to face whatever came next on my path going forth. I’d like to call the last couple of months the tempering of my enthusiasm and the readying of reality for how it really is going to be.
I thought a lot about what I wanted my future to hold. At one time, I hoped my future would be working as a sports journalist reporting on one of my sports loves, like the Penguins, or Steelers, but even back then, I was starting to evolve what I wanted to write about. News stories were also of interest, and breaking the news became just as interesting to me as covering a sports team. In the meantime, since I had the time waiting for certain parts of my life to settle, I started to play video games again. You have to understand, for the past few years, the World of Warcraft was the only thing I played on a recurring basis, with a few other games taking up my attention here and there. Since I’ve all but written off having kids in the future (I can barely hold myself together at times, I’m not going to subject a child to my madness – it’s not fair to me or a child, and I freely admit that), part of me is allowed to hold on to some of my childhood, no matter how far I’m removed from it in the proverbial rear view mirror.
What does this have to do with anything? Coming off my last job, the one thing I can say I learned about myself is that I don’t always respond well to authority. I will take advice on anything, but that’s what I want it to be – advice – I don’t take well to pointed instruction, especially if it goes against my better judgment. If you want me to come up with X as a result but don’t care how I get there, I’m OK with that, but if you micro-manage… yeah, that doesn’t always work well. It’s a tick that I have, and I’ll freely admit it. I will go through walls if I believe and trust in you, but trust is earned, not given. So that, coupled with my brain’s constant need to be moving makes it hard for me to just work in an office doing anything over and over again without getting a little burned out over time. Sure, journalism usually means that something is always fluid, but my interests vary too much, too quickly. If you follow Zodiac signs, it shouldn’t take long to figure out what I am.
And all of that is fine, but what I learned is that I would like to be a freelance writer. The problem is they get paid next to nothing until they build a portfolio they can rely on like an artist. It may take me half a dozen years to get paid yearly what I made in my last job. Again though, the difference is I’m doing something that I love, so even that doesn’t seem like such a hardship. The lesson is that you have to work hard for what you want. I want to be successful, so that means I need to be aware going in that it’s not going to be an easy road to travel, but it is one that I think is very worthy of me to take.
My future career aside, I also got to work on and finalized my Last Will and Testament. I have to say, nothing puts how you look at people and interact with people more in perspective than that. You have to look objectively at who is important to you and who isn’t. For me, I don’t have siblings or children, but there was a clear cut winner for whom I wanted as my beneficiary. That person has been my anchor since my mother passed last year. He put in the work, and he deserves what little if anything I can give him when my time on this mortal coil is up. He’s deserving of that, and there wasn’t any question.
A little further into the will, you have to make some interesting choices. Lines of succession (should they come into effect) means that I got to choose who else my estate would go to, and part of that was naming charities that I could name that could inherit my estate if everybody is gone. So finally, after singing the praises of the late Jessica Redfield and her role in getting me to follow my dream, I can say that if I outlive everybody else that I named as my beneficiary, that the Jessica Redfield Ghawi Foundation will be the recipient of part of my estate, not to mention that’s where I would want donations to be made after my death. I enjoyed that, that I can give back to something that played a role in my life and that I believe in.
Also, I started to look at some of my friends. I’m always grateful to my friends, but I feel a little bit like Frodo at the end of the Lord of the Rings, we may have saved the Shire, but that doesn’t mean I saved it without sacrifice. Some of my friends have been with me through it all, giving just enough that I know that they care without always being around. Everybody has a life to live, and I’m not the center of the universe. However, it has become clear that while some of my friends are there, others are easily spotted as less giving. Remember my quote from earlier, if I believe in and trust you, I’ll go through a wall for you? It’s easy to spot those people who aren’t as in as you are. Some of those people I’ve known for a long time, but they don’t get it, or care enough to get it. I live my life alone, in large part because I don’t like to have to rely on anybody for assistance, but that doesn’t mean that there are people in my life who aren’t a priority.
I like easy friendships that I can pick up at the drop of a hat. We can talk for 15 minutes and I feel like I haven’t missed a beat. I know what’s going on with you, and I can help you if need be or we can just talk. I have friends who live elsewhere where I can’t see them all that often, and that’s essential. Distance doesn’t mean much, so I don’t feel they’re any less important due to that, but rather I’m glad they make the effort to reach out once in a while, like I try to with them. The flip side is that I have some friends who live much closer, and they don’t put in anywhere near that effort.
I myself am somewhat guilty of this, earlier this year when I was going through a rough patch, I just wanted to work through my issues quietly without putting a spot light on them, but instead of coming right out and telling someone that, not everybody picks up on those subtle hints, and it strained some relationships. It’s unfortunate, but those things remind me of other topics of discretion, for example, when I was younger, I wasn’t always assertive and there were people who took advantage in various forms. Now that I’m older, I have a low tolerance for that. I’m brash and outspoken, and sometimes I drive points home with great prejudice, no matter if they’re warranted or not, so, in paraphrasing from Walter White from Breaking Bad, sometimes it’s better when dealing with me to “tread lightly.”
In closing, my family suffered a death recently. It wasn’t a family member I dealt with on a regular basis, but it was one that warranted my visiting the funeral home none the less, and the first major death since my mother passed away last year. There’s a story that goes with that visit that I won’t share now, but that opened my eyes up to a number of other things family related. Family is what you make of it. A lot of the people I consider “family” aren’t even blood related, but they treat me as if I were a member of their family, and vise versa. I don’t have much love for the holidays anymore. I get why people get sad this time of year, but I want you to think about those people you consider family, and be thankful that they’re in your lives. I know I said the same thing last year, but I really want next year to be the year that I get back on my feet, and the people that I rely on the most are the people I’m most grateful for.
PARTING SHOTS
I realize it’s been two months since I last updated the blog. As I said above, I’ve needed some time to sort through some things, and also, I haven’t had a burning desire to put anything out. Why half-ass something? I have long made my love of the Pittsburgh Penguins known, but I’ll also admit that I haven’t felt some life altering pull this year to watch and follow. Part of the pull last year was that my job was horrible (before it got downsized) and my mom died and I needed something in my life, and after almost not having a hockey season, it was sacred to me.
I still watch hockey, but I’ll say that I’ve only watched about 50% of the games thus far this season. Yes, I still very much disagree with how Dan Bylsma coaches this team, but don’t kid yourself, the man is going to coach the United States in the Olympics, they aren’t about to fire him over a rough patch, and especially not before the Olympics. The team has been hit with injuries and that complicates things too. My guess is he coaches the USA to perhaps a bronze in the Olympics, and if he fails to get out of the first two rounds in the Stanley Cup playoffs, he’ll be fired this off-season – but then, I’ve said that before and I’ve long since run out of patience where he’s concerned. Jacques Martin would be a contender on an interim basis, but there’s no need to entertain that thought in the off-season, where they can just get a replacement. That said I do hope Bylsma gets a healthy team back and Shero makes the moves needed so this team has a good run again this season. I love my hockey team more than I hate the coach.
The Steelers I’m disappointed in. Mike Tomlin has held that team together with cheap glue since taking over, and I feel he hasn’t done an adequate job to that of the Cowher/Colbert era, especially when you look at how the team has handled free agent signings and drafts since he came on board. The team holds on to players too long past their prime, and doesn’t do a good enough job of identifying replacements. Yet, Tomlin’s team battled back from a terrible start just enough to ensure that his team won’t get a premium draft pick, before the Ravens all but put their thin playoff hopes out of their misery. This team has too much money wrapped up in aging talent, and for sure will make coaching changes this off-season, even though the head coach won’t be one of them. Makes me wish we could turn back the clock so that Dan Rooney was about 20 years younger again. Art II is just as much to blame as Tomlin for the fall of the Steelers from the NFL’s best run franchises.
To the Pittsburgh Pirates, thank you for proving that last season was an anomaly that broke 20 years of losing. Their best season in 20 years reinvigorated a long decaying fan base, and this team once again won’t spend any money on free agents. If I was AJ Burnett, I’d entertain one more year someplace else that values winning. This team won’t even spend money on second tier free agents. Guess that helps validates a lot of people’s opinions (mine included) that the owners are only concerned with profits. Because when this team fails to reach .500 again this season and nobody shows up again in late July when hopefully the Steelers look to have a better season, you know they’ll sell off their profitable stars next off-season because of their lost financial gains. Michael Keaton was right a couple of years ago, this ownership should be ashamed of how it profits off the fans of that team without giving much back. And to the people who defend what the team did this season? Know that even a blind squirrel can find a nut sometimes.
To the WWE, I’ve not watched for more than an hour (Pittsburgh RAW excluded) since the summer. I won’t be changing that this winter. I still read (though not often) the reviews of RAW and Smackdown enough to know that I still think the company is run by idiots. Since TNA has decided to copy their poor competition – only god knows why for sure – I don’t watch it much either. This is poised to be my first free wrestling year in almost a decade. Still I know people who carry on and endure, and so people like my friend Amanda, I hope next year gives you something to be happy for.
To the World of Warcraft, whose subscriptions for the first time have dropped to the levels of the original game, I applaud you for trying to come up with new concepts, even if I don’t agree with them. I like the idea of revisiting Draenor – a.k.a. Outland – again. With the exception of Wrath of the Lich King, the Burning Legion expansion was that one that I joined this crazy side show on, and holds a special place in my heart. I think the idea to have “garrisons” is misplaced, but hey, good on you for trying to address something players have talked about for years. Now I just hope I get internet that doesn’t suck before it’s released… speaking of, I need to yell at my ISP for horrible service. Again. Can’t think of too many people who’d be pleased with downloading a 7MB file in just under 20 minutes… stay away from satellite internet if you can kids, it’s the worst!
To my lawyers, I thank you. To my friends who put up with me and accept that I’m still a bit of a mess and don’t judge me, thank you. To my former place of employment, I know some good people who still work there, but it wouldn’t upset me in the least if a certain government agency that has the initials C.R.N in no particular order (or in reverse) were to visit you and “fix” some of the things that are fundamentally wrong with you, starting with business ethics. And to 2014, know that I need a rebirth. I’ve contemplated a lot in the last 16 months. I need a fresh start. I need a winning streak. So please, if the cosmos sees fit to give me that, thank you. To those of you who follow me, I hope you have a wonderful holiday, and I look forward to seeing you in 2014.
BROCK'S 101 PROOF 